Closure and Revelations: What Could Have Been...

Five years.

It's been five years since I've been at this place...at this spot.

It felt nice...and dreadful at the same time.

Maybe it was chilly as hell, maybe I was thinking about too many things in my head

...or maybe because she was here with me. :D



Before I began, I told her this may take awhile.

She nodded.

And so this tale begins...

I fucked up. This is by far the best way to sum up this story. You might bewondering why the hell I'm wrapping up before the story even begins...trust me, you'll be saying the same thing, too.

I always liked her. Ever since senior year (high school). Problem is, she was also a good friend. A part of the 'inner circle'...and believe you me, you don't want to mess up with that shit. I can say that because of a previous experience. I can also say how lucky I am that said experience fixed itself over time and turned out for the better...but that's a good thing... We're after bad stuff here.

I didn't act on it right away IS the issue here. Up to this day, I still question myself why. Sadly, all I can picture is past me both grimacing and shrugging. Five years. That's such a long time. What makes it worse though is I actually had chances to do something about it...and past me did nothing at all. Bastard...

As I stood there looking at her clueless yet eager face, it all came back to me. I asked her "Are you familiar with sequences in movies or games where the protagonist...or some other character with a shady past stands in a certain spot and a flashback plays?"
"Of course," she replied.
"Well, this is my spot..." I said.

Four years ago, a group of friends, me and her included, celebrated another close friend's birthday the at 'spot'...well, place. The 'spot' is in the place but the 'spot' only becomes
the 'spot' because of the place....hmmmm..

POINT IS after dinner at the place, we all came down to the spot which was below the place. (hope that clears stuff up.) and here, I was supposed to talk to her. Tell her how I felt about her. How her art and creativity is something to admire. How she's so easy to be around with. How we get along so well. How much I liked her.I planned to take her hand, show her a ring that I brought with me and ask her if I could be something more for her.  See I had that shit down. I was ready...but... I wasn't ready for two things:
A plot twist and the world's most devious cockblock of all time.

PLOT TWIST: Apparently I wasn't the only one who had plans. A different friend decided to talk to the birthday celebrant and also wanted to 'share' his feelings. I did not expect this. I mean, I knew DF and BC had a thing at the time so I was fine with it. In fact, I was pretty happy about it. I was looking at the positives. The guys were joking around that we were gonna make this a thing. It was still pretty early. This setback will give me more time to think what to say. I stayed upbeat. So I let it flow. DF and BC finished up then another couple talked about stuff. Took awhile but still, I had no qualms. My turn will come...but as I stood up to talk to her...so did the

COCKBLOCK: THIS MOTHERFUCKER suddenly grabs her by the arm and squeals "I won't be outdone guys!" and drags her to the spot. MY SPOT. and talks to her there. I was
rpo[karyypio53u (<=My rage at the time)
but being the chill guy that I was, I again went back to the positives. Maybe they'll talk about nonsense. Maybe they'll just stand there. Maybe they'll take only a few seconds. But the seconds turned into minutes...minutes into an hour...and more...five years, whoops, too far...Case in point, they took awhile and as they finished, it was already dark.

Now, the place/spot is pretty far out from the city and it was getting pretty late. Everyone was tired and
I was weighing my options. If I pleaded for more time, I would have been considered a jerk because I was
gonna delay everyone up, She might have lost interest already because she's already been talking 'deep' stuff
with the mofo (UNFUN FACT: I did ask her what they talked about that night and she couldn't even recall it
exactly...because it was...pointless. Bravo past me.) I peeked at the ring I was gonna give her.
And made my choice. A stupid one. One I regret so much. I gave up. We went home. Done. I missed my chance. As always, I thought about the positives. Maybe I'll get another chance. Maybe I can try again. Maybe. And it did.

In a separate event which I cannot exactly pinpoint when it took place, she was having a hard time. She was
crying. I don't know why. (She filled me in that she was sad because her crush ended up with someone else)
I can recall BC and I raced to her location to comfort her. Now this time I was really ready (or so I thought).
There were no plot twists to be had, no stupid, motherfucking cockblockers, no time variants. Nothing was gonna stop me this time. Except. Me. As we reached her in her rather unstable, volatile mood,  I suddenly realized "Holy shit, if there was ever an inappropriate time to tell someone your shit, it's now" because as soon as I saw her puffy eyes, this was no time to be going ladeeda I love you. So I sat there, BC doing all the talking and comforting, and all I could muster where random welps of "uhuh" and "it's okay". The saddest part though as we were about to leave, she wanted me to say something. It was like the universe grew arms and was pointing to this fragile, innocent creature. At least words of comfort. At least a smile. At least a hug. At least let her know you'll be there for her. You know what I did? I said "It's gonna be okay". And left. I walked away. Two chances, people.

"Insert your 'you fucked up' here"
     
After those moments, I already knew I was pushing my luck...but still, positives right? Unfortunately, no amount of positive thinking could replace the fact that I did fuck up. It reached up to a point where the spot haunted me in my dreams. As if it was taunting me. I fucked up Not once but twice...and someone was getting real tired of my shit. Life. Life happened. Everything went by so fast and everyone got so busy. Three years passed by like a blur..It hurts because I never gave it closure. It's not necessarily an open wound but it's a nasty scar I have. It always remind me "What if Chard? What if?"

Fast Forward Last Year.
I saw her again.
I was attending a close friend's wedding. I was never a fan of weddings but being a close friend and all, I attended. A few good friends like BC were also in attendence. As the ceremony was wrapping up and everyone was heading to the reception, the group huddled up to discuss the seating arrangements. I, on the other hand, was already planning to leave because I already knew BC was leaving for work. That was one less person to talk to and that's not good. As I was about to leave...

She arrived.

Five years worth of admiration came rushing back in. I was smitten (or re-smitten, if there was such a word.) so I went to the reception. We catched up. I remembered many things. I also remembered how much I liked her. Unfortunately, I also remembered my mistakes. The spot was already doing it's happy dance in my head. Not to mention she's very laser-point focused with her studies and she already was dating someone at the time. I can't do this. I respect people who take important aspects of their lives seriously like love and career. She was doing both things so I kept my distance. But the dreams came back. This time the spot decided to put itself with a Horror filter that it was even more haunting. It was driving me mad. Two of my buddies have already said do something about it because it will haunt me forever if I let it slide again. So I came to a decision. I needed to tell her. Reveal it all IF the universe gave me a sign. Yes, I was
being a wuss again. Five years and a couple of broken relationships does that to a man. Besides, I thought the universe, life and fate weren't really necessarily to keen to be a part of my romantic adventures. Oh boy, was I in for a treat.

Medium Forward Christmas Time Last Year.
We were gonna have a gathering. She was gonna be there with a few friends as well. I was there early. One by one, my friends started to arrive. And then she arrived as well. Nothing really special happened during the gathering (An old friend did show up but again, different story) but it was still pretty fun. Talking about the past. What everyone was up to. I thought I was already in the clear but then, she mentioned that she recently lost her ring. Of great sentimal value. Really, universe? That's how you go about things? Why do you ask why the ring is a sign? Because the ring I was supposed to give her four years ago still existed. I still had that ring...if it was still there were I left it years ago. When I got home, I looked for it and sure enough, there it was. Glinting. Damn you universe. So it was decided. I was going to do it. But I still had my doubts.
What will this do to our friendship? Our relationship?

Slow Forward my Father's Birthday
Tequilas, Margharitas, Vodkas, Red Wine aaand Beer. Yeeeep...
I was drunk. So were two of my best friends. I kept declaring and recanting my intention of 'revelations'. Everything was pretty incoherent until my best friend said to me, very seriously "Do it for me, buddy. I'm leaving this place soon and I need to know that you told her because not only does she deserve to know, you need your closure." then we shared a drink of Vodka and we saw so many colors that didn't have names yet. Even though we were drunk and he couldn't recall what he has been saying all night (or even parts of that night), I took it to heart. And so I asked her out the next few days. She agreed. And we were back to the spot. I told her. I did my 'revelations'.

Needless to say, she was surprised...and angry...and confused. She was a lot of things that day. I admit I dropped a bombshell. It was a lot to take in. And thankfully enough, she seemed to be pretty okay with everything. One thing I did make sure is that I wasn't asking for anything from her right now because neither of us is really in the right mindset for relationships with her studies and my work. I just wanted to let her know. Because if you are to take anything from this story, it's you need to tell the people you care about what you feel about them because honestly, they're not gonna be around forever, regardless of the technology that we have. Everyone you love deserves to know and feel. But there was one thing left.Closure. I needed to relive the moment. I asked her to come with me to the spot. I asked her to take my hand and said "Will you let me relive the moment and tell you what led to this?"
"Yes" she said.

"At this point in my life, I have found some niche quirks and qualities that make me all giddy inside. All this time. I've seen this all in you. Your smile. Your upbeat personality. Your creativeness and artistic flair. Easy to tease and also good at teasing. Your appreciation of video games. I like you a lot and I apologize if this has come five years late, that's totally on me. I know and understand right now is the most awful time to ask for something serious and I'm not gonna even try. Too much is at stake right now and I don't want to mess that up. What I do want you to know is that I may not ask you now but somewhere along the way, I will ask you again but that's for another time. I wanted you to know this because you deserve to know. You are too pretty not to tell."

We hung around for awhile and I'm glad we still get along after that ruckus. I don't know what it means for the future but I think it's pretty bright. For one thing, The spot doesn't haunt me anymore.
It's back to what it was. A place. You get my drift.

Peace Out

-Chady